Kratos of Barbaria
by Light Seeker 001
Summary: In a dark future wasteland, the great cities have risen and fallen, primordial beasts have reclaimed the wilderness and thieves and savages populate sparse, dirty towns. From the frozen north emerges a warrior known as Kratos, and his merciless savagery may be his only key to survival.
1. Chapter 1

**You would not believe that there are no fanmakes of this particular cartoon pilot. This makes me the first to do this.**

**Kratos is a property of Sony**  
**Korgoth of Barbaria is a property of Aaron Springer**  
**The other characters that appear in this pilot are properties of their rightful owners**

"What do you mean there's a cover charge?!" Those were the words shouted by an impatient light skinned, blonde woman wearing dark purple tunic with armor and with a sword attached to her belt. Behind her were her six friends, all of them from different races, all of them armed to the teeth, and all of them upset. What did you expect? It was raining that night, so they needed a place to stay at this inn. At least that's what the dwarf doorman thought.

"It's policy," he said in a gruff voice. "Innkeeper Anju wants to raise money for a new sign."

"A new sign?" complained a young girl clad in green. "What's wrong with the old one?"

Zelda, the leader of this group and the one who was the first to shout at the doorman, slapped her friend. "Quiet, Saria. I'll handle this." She looked to the doorman and said, "A new sign? What's wrong with the old one?!"

"I just said that," muttered Saria, earning a slap in the face from Zelda.

"She said they misspelled something on it," replied the doorman to Zelda.

The sign of the tavern was read "The Dodongo's Snout." The two girls were right. What could be the problem?

"What did they misspell?" asked Zelda to the doorman.

"Well, the name of the place is the Stockpot Inn," he replied.

Zelda looked upset. "Damn it! This isn't the place!" Her friends bickered amongst each other as she grabbed Saria. "You said this is the bar our client goes to!"

"I thought so too!" She pulled a map from her pocket. "Oh. Now I see. Look. You were right."

Zelda pushed her into the mud and focused her attention to the doorman. "You tell us the location of the Hog's Head tavern and be quick," she said as she squashed the poor dwarf's chest with her foot. "Or the last thing you'll see is my iron tipped boot pressing into your retina!"

"Three blocks down," he squeaked. "On the left!" The female warrior removed her foot from his lungs.

"Good to hear." she muttered.

The Hog's Head tavern was definitely a known place that's not for the weak-minded or stomached. Big tough looking men, orcs, harpies and other fowl creatures were at their tables or the bars drinking their alcoholic beverage, eating food like slobs, or doing their "M-rated business" under the tables. Unfortunately, it was this place that the seven warriors were looking for. Upon entering the place, all of the patrons and staff looked at them suspiciously.

"Good evening," said Zelda with a wave of her hand. Everyone went back to their business. "Alright," she whispered. "Come on."

The girls carefully walked towards the nearest table, looking around for something...or someone. A few perverted men wolf-whistled at the female members, only to get swatted by them.

"And sit," Zelda ordered, taking her place at the table. No one sat down. "Sit down!" she ordered. That got everyone's attention and got everyone to sit down. 'Now that that's cleared up,' Zelda thought. 'Where can he be?' She and her friends looked around, hoping to find the man they were paid to find.

"I told you he wouldn't be here," said a dark skinned, red haired woman named Nabooru.

"I blame that doorman," complained Saria. "He-"

"If I have to tell you two one more time," began Zelda, but she stopped when a blue-armored clad fish woman grabbed her arm. "What is it Ruto?!"

"Shh!" she hissed. "Can't you hear it?" Her eyes were focused on one location: the men's bathroom.

Her friends wondered what they should be listening to and why she was focused on that one room. Until they heard the sound of water running coming from behind the bathroom door. By now, all the girls were eying the door, both in nervousness and curiosity. Soon came the sound of a toilet being flushed, followed by soap being dispensed.

The door opened...and out came a muscular, bald headed, goatee chinned man in his late thirties that stood about 5 feet tall and carried two glowing red, demonic-looking blades the size of machetes strapped across his back. He wore light brown sandals, brass greaves and a red loincloth with a golden belt. The most stunning features however were his ash white skin and the tattoo that ran from his right eye, across his back over his left breast and onto his left shoulder. This was the warriors' client. This was the man they were paid to find. This was the Ghost of Sparta. This was Kratos.

**The great cities of risen and fallen. Civilization's grip on mankind has grown weak and arthritic. Dark forces seek to renew forgotten covenants. Heroes and heroines have fallen victim to corruption and sin. And primordial beasts reclaim the wilderness. Out of the frozen north of Greece, a man emerges. A man of a barbaric age, whose merciless savagery may be the only key to his survival. They call him Kratos!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own anything**

The Ghost of Sparta ordered his wine from the barkeeper and took his place at a nearby table. The seven warriors eyed the pale skinned man with awe while some like Zelda smiled wickedly. "That's him alright," a large rock man named Darunia whispered.

"Sarina," ordered Zelda in a hushed voice. "Go talk to him."

"Hey, you're not a princess anymore," shouted the green clad girl. "You can't..." Zelda stabbed a knife inches from her hand. "Uh...what about the roll?"

Zelda sighed and took a single black die from her pocket. She rolled it and it came up on five. Then she took out a single piece of paper. "Five is...Saria."

The young girl cursed to herself and inched towards the towering Spartan.

"Why is it that she always wins?" asked Rauru, an elderly man in a brown cloak and brass armor.

As soon as Sarina got close to Kratos, she began to feel weak-kneed. Sweat ran down her face as she stuttered, "Good evening, sir. Are you the one called Kratos?"

The man reached out for something, making Sarina flinch, but she sighed in relief when she saw that he was grabbing his wine mug.

"See," she continued. "We-my friends and I-were hired to find you and take you to our master, and well, our master is not really that nice so..." She didn't finish her sentence as Kratos got up and gently pushed her out of his way as he walked towards the bar with his empty mug.

Zelda growled with displeasure as she walked towards the bar and took a seat next to Kratos. "Here's your refill. No freebies this time, Kratos," said the barkeeper to the Spartan. With her out of the way, Zelda spoke firmly to Kratos.

"Look here. You are to come with us to our master, got it pal?"

Kratos didn't respond and took another sip of wine.

"The silent type, huh? Well," she said, taking out a dagger. "I have ways of making you talk!"

Again, Kratos ignored her. Fed up, Zelda raised her dagger and stabbed the pale man in the arm. That got his attention, but not the one Zelda had in mind. He removed the weapon, lifted her up, smashed her into a bar stool and pile drove her onto the floor, finishing his attack by impaling her arm with one of his chained blades.

"Bar fight!" an Uruk-Hai shouted, switching on a jukebox to play rock music. Kratos fought one opponent after the other, all the while keeping Zelda pinned down. One orc charged at Kratos with a hatchet, only for Kratos to grab him by the arm holding the hatchet and yank it out of its socket. Screaming in pain, the orc could only watch as Kratos hacked through his chest and pushed him aside. A harpy swooped down and attacked the Ghost of Spartan, only for her wings to be pulled out of their sockets. He finished her with a skull crunching kick. A vampire lunged at Kratos only to have its head yanked off and thrown in the fireplace. Finally, one big, tough looking cyclops carrying a flail stomped towards him.

"You," he growled. "I'm going to make you wish you were never born. You'll wish you were in your mamma's belly where it was warm and safe and wet! I'm going to show you pain you never knew existed; a whole new spectrum of pain! Like a rainbow!"

"Oh, please spare me the details, one eye," shouted Zelda, but Kratos silenced her by plunging his blade deeper into her arm.

"But, this rainbow," continued the cyclops. "This rainbow is not like any other rainbow. It-" It never finished its sentence as Kratos took his other chained blade and plunged it into the cyclops' eye. With one quick jerk, he yanked the eye out of its socket and the beast fell down with a thud. With all those distractions gone, Kratos sheathed his blade onto his back and turned his attention to Zelda.

"What do you want?" he asked in a deep gruff voice.

"We were sent to take you to our master," whimpered Zelda.

"Who is he?" demanded the Spartan.

"I'm not supposed to tell-" Zelda squealed out in pain as Kratos sank the blade in her arm even deeper. None of her friends came to help. Who would want to tangle with this brute?

"Gannondorf," wept Zelda. "Our master is Gannondorf!"

Kratos yanked the blade out of her arm and sheathed it onto its back to join its twin.

At the Gerudo Valley, deep in a cave, Kratos was lead by the six warriors to the Baron of Thieves himself: Gannondorf. His lair was filled with treasures, paintings, tapestries, statues and other fine treasures you can't find anywhere else but here.

"Lo and behold," said an indigo armored clad woman named Impa. "Our lord and master-"

"We've met before," interrupted Kratos.

Gannondorf was a dark skinned, fiery haired man with piercing yellow eyes wearing dark armor. They say that he was so skilled he once robbed a power from the very gods themselves, granting him unlimited power and immortality. Most warriors faced him, but very few were able to defeat him. Sometimes, if he was in a good mood, his opponents were sparred and became his slaves. Two of his slaves, an orange furred young anthropomorphic fox in a green loincloth and a blond haired, tanned skin young woman in a purple bikini were kept in cages at either side of his throne. Gannondorf smiled when he saw a familiar man walk towards him.

"Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta," he said in a chilling voice. "I've been expecting you."

"Your rotten minions told me you were behind this," Kratos replied. Gannondorf smiled at him. Although he enjoyed the Spartan's company, deep down he hated him. He was one of the few warriors who never feared him...and even defeated him, something he hated.

"And by rotten you mean pleasurable, don't you?" he asked the Spartan. "Well, some of them, anyway." He smiled at the female members of his best warriors, who snarled at him.

Kratos looked around the lair's riches and said, "Your hovel is even more filthy than before."

Gannondorf frowned. "Hey, as the Baron of Thieves, I have appearances to uphold. But enough about me. Come, we have...matters to discuss."

Gannondorf ordered his slaves to prepare and set up a banquet for his guest. As soon as the food was set and the goblets were full of wine, beer and other forms of alcohol, Kratos took his place at the table, right across the Thief Baron. The two of them exchanged frowns before Gannondorf said, "Last time I saw you, you were standing before an executioner with a noose around your neck."

"I heard it was you who tipped the town guard. And for my Blades of Chaos," snarled Kratos as he bit into a turkey leg.

"Yes," purred Gannondorf. "A gift from Ares. Still want to kill the God of War, I suppose?"

"You know what he did," replied Kratos with a growl.

Gannondorf chuckled, "Don't we all? Making you kill your own wife and daughter." Kratos gave him a death glare. Gannondorf cleared his throat and said, "Well, enough reminiscing. Tell me, do you know of the wizard, the Ice King?"

"Nay. I despise black magic wielders," muttered Kratos as he drank his wine. "Speaking of which, can you give me the gravy for my turkey?"

The Thief Baron complied before continuing, "Well, apart from being a dangerous sorcerer, Ice King as an aficionado of curious and valuable artifacts; envied among enthusiasts for containing the Golden Penguin of the fourth age."

Kratos took a bite of his meal, listening to the Thief Baron.

"Now, it has come to my knowledge, via local village newspaper, that Ice King is well known for making nightly appearances atop the balcony of his floating ice mountain castle, where he stands arms erect, gazing into the heavens for around forty-five minutes, or at least until his arms get tired. Then he returns to the inside of his castle alone with the Golden Penguin."

"I am getting tired of the talking," Kratos mumbled, making the Baron frown.

"According to a seeing stone I installed in the wizard's front yard, that said wizard hasn't been out for over a month. He's obviously dead."

Kratos got up to leave. "I don't do wizards or goblins, statue or not."

Gannondorf got in his way. "The Ice King is obviously dead, Kratos! The statue is ripe for the picking!"

But Kratos still ignored him, until he was grabbed by two of the seven of Gannondorf's elite.

"Perhaps I should have rephrased the situation," said Gannondorf with a smile. "Either you give me the Penguin, or I won't give you the medicine needed to dispatch the stomach parasite I hid in your food."

Kratos looked at the food he just ate in horror as Gannondorf and his seven elite laughed at him. Enraged, he flung the two that held him back into a wall then lunged at the Baron of Thieves, and grabbed him by the throat. Even as he was being choked, the Baron still laughed.

"Kill me, and you'll never get the medicine. It's a one-of-a-kind and only I know how to make it." With those words, Kratos dropped the evil man. He brushed himself off as he went back to his throne. "Make haste, Spartan. The Golden Penguin awaits and my rent is due."

"Why not get the Penguin yourself?" demanded the Spartan, only to receive a laugh from Gannondorf.

"And put myself in harm's way, resulting in a land with no king? Besides, it's a lot more fun to send you." Ganondorf stroked a sword placed next to his sword. "You may bring my seven elite, along with twelve of my not-so-elite just for the hell of it."

Kratos glared at the seven warriors who had brought him here. They smiled at him with nervousness.

"Follow Southern Swamp east, until you reach the Chafing Chasm then seek the floating mountain castle of the Ice King."

Kratos heeded Gannondorf's directions for they were the only way to get the parasite that was currently giving him stomach pains. "Let's go," he said to the seven elite as he walked out the door. On horseback, their journey began as they made their way to Southern Swamp.


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own anything. Mega Man and Roll are properties of Capcom.**

The party crossed a vast plain, and scaled many snow covered, rocky hills. By the time the group had reached Southern Swamp, they were tired and hungry. They came across an apple tree, and they were about to take a bite, when one of their horses ate one...and exploded. That convinced everyone to not eat. All but one. She blew up. What kind of apples were these?! Soon, they came across a vast bog, where all sorts of creatures tried to eat them. While the seven elite and Kratos managed to cut them down, some of the "not-so-elite" were eaten. The group soon made it to the edge of the bog, covered in leeches. It took several minutes for them to remove them. That's when Zelda spotted something odd.

"A girl and boy tied to a tree. A handsome boy."

It was true. The young, brown haired man was wearing a blue tunic with matching shorts and boots while the blonde haired girl wore nothing but a red loincloth and bikini. However, just as Zelda got close to the pair, the tree sprung to life and chased after her! Screaming, she fled as it ate a few more of the "not-so-elite". Thank goodness her ass was saved by Kratos, who decided to make good use for the monster's corpse: firewood. And that's just what the party did late that night. Its new members sat next to Kratos and smiled.

"I don't think we properly introduced ourselves," said the young man. "I'm Rock. This is my sister, Roll."

Kratos didn't respond. Rock stopped smiling and looked back at the fire. He had a feeling he was being watched. A few of the female members of Gannondorf's elite were staring at him with lust in their eyes.

"It was nice of you to save me like that," Roll said, smiling sincerely at Kratos.

Zelda saw her chance to prove her worth to Roll's brother. "Oh, sure, saving is my specialty, isn't it guys?" Her friends said nothing. "ISN'T IT?!" Her friends agreed. "Oh, yeah," she continued. She positioned herself for a high five. "Give me some skin, Kratos!" No response. "Kratos?"

Everyone wondered where he was. In fact, everyone also wondered where Roll went off. They got their answer when they heard female lustful grunts coming from a nearby bush. Rock stared at it in shock.

"We just met, and already she's screwing him?!"

He heard giggling coming behind him. To his shock, the female members of the elite seven were approaching him with lust in their eyes.

"Ladies, ladies, please. Let's not be so hasty. AHHH!"

In the morning, everyone was scaling the Chafing Chasm. A few of the "not-so-elite" slipped and fell. Not many left now. By this time, Rock and Roll were informed of Kratos' quest...and his condition.

"Look!" exclaimed Sarina as she along with everyone else gazed in awe at the sight before them. "The floating mountain castle!"

"But how do we get up there?" asked Ruto. "We can't fly!"

Rock looked down. "No, but they can." Below them was a pit filled with a gathering of pigeons. Not the sort of pigeons you would normally see. These birds were the size of elephants. Perfect to ride on. If you can not get eaten by them. How would the party get close to them without that happening? Kratos seemed to have the answer as he started rubbing himself with large feathers and dried bird feces.

"What in Din's name are you doing?" asked Nabooru in disgust.

"Hide your scent," explained the Spartan. "It'll make the birds think you're one of their own."

"Good thinking, Spartan," said Roll, already rubbing himself with feathers. His sister was doing the same.

"That's bull crap," a "not-so-elite" woman exclaimed. "My uncle and brother were bird smugglers. I know how to get these birds to obey us." She walked up to the giant pigeons, while her friends protested her to stop. But there was no way she was getting out of this now. "Hey you dumb birds!" she shouted at one of them. "Lookie here!" She was pecked to death. Everyone started slathering themselves in bird crap.

Without looking back, Kratos walked over to the closest pigeon. It sniffed him, then cooed. It sat down, allowing the Ghost of Sparta to climb on top of its back.

After flying for several minutes, (and allowing some of the "not-so-elite" to be eaten by giant hawks), the party arrived at the front door of the Ice King's castle. Everyone gazed up in awe before Kratos used the Blades of Chaos to chop down the door. Inside was a treasure trove of goods. Magic books, an observatory, jewels, paintings, mystical artifacts, and weapons galore. The elite seven and the last of the "not-so-elite" ran in, pillaging the treasures inside.

"Loot what you will, but do not tarry," warned Kratos. "Even in death, a wizard is not to be trusted."

"Where does that lead," asked Rock, pointing to a staircase that lead upwards.

He, the Spartan and Roll climbed said stairs and lead to a room that read, "Entry not permitted." They went inside anyway. Their eyes widened when they saw it.

"Is that?" asked Roll.

While the seven elite pillaged, they did not notice the short, blue skinned wearing a darker blue colored robe and golden crown with a single jewel in it enter the room. He was carrying briefcases as he looked down at the floor. "What's this?" He picked up a stack of envelopes. "Bills, bills, jury duty." He stopped and sniffed the air. What smells like bird poop. That's when he realized he was not alone.

"What are you doing in my house?!" he shouted.

"Who in the hell are you?" demanded Nabooru.

"I am the Ice King!" the wizard said in a dramatic voice. "Keeper of the Golden Penguin and owner of the very castle you are standing!"

"But you're supposed to be dead!" shouted Saria.

"Dead?!" shouted Ice King, flabbergasted. "I was on my vacation! Although, the way that lady looked at me on that cruise ship, I might as well have been dead." He shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, well."

Suddenly he blasted out a powerful magic at the head of the last of the "not-so-elite". His eyes glowed ice blue before he started walking.

"Allow me to show you the door," said the Ice King as the man walked out. "Oh, and watch that last step, it's a doozy!" The man jumped off the mountain to his death. The two males of the elite seven: Darunia and Rauru, charged at the wizard, only for him to use his magic to manipulate them into beating themselves to unconsciousness. The female members of the elite charged at the wizard, but he used his magic to...turn them into lesbians and made them have an orgy.

That's when he heard noises coming from upstairs. Rushing upstairs, he spotted the Ghost of Sparta and two teenage kids in his room; the Ghost was holding the Golden Penguin!

"Put that down, Spartan!" shouted the wizard angrily. "It has powers beyond you and your friends' primitive reckonings!"

The trio looked at the idol...and Kratos pushed a button on the idol's belly. Muzak music started playing from the statue as it came to life and danced in place. This was the most valuable artifact from the olden days? A mere novelty toy? Well, Gannondorf and the Ice King thought it was valuable.

"Behold!" said the Ice King as he danced to the music.

Kratos rolled his eyes before turning the toy off. Suddenly, he began clutching his stomach in pain.

"The parasite?" asked Rock.

Kratos nodded his head before gesturing Rock and his sister to leave. "I think I hear my mother calling," he said.

"Hold it!" shouted the Ice King. Using his magic, he slammed and locked the door. Kratos attempted to use the Blades of Chaos to break down the door, but to no avail. Rock and Roll tried to help, but they didn't do any good. They turned to face the Ice King, now laughing at them.

"Congratulations," he snarled. "Of all the imbeciles I have ever been forced to come in contact with, you, a dung coated vagabond, have managed to arouse me. I mean arouse my ire far more than any other! A sin for which the only penance can be...a hideous death! At the hands of the Ice King!"

The wizard stuck his hand into his pocket, revealing a stick of gum. Using his magic, he tossed it to the ground. Kratos and the siblings were not impressed. Until the wad of pressed gum formed into a huge chimeric beast! Kratos threw the Golden Penguin to the side, allowing the Ice King to quickly grab it. Kratos didn't care. He had to face this pink beast! It lunged at the trio, but Kratos used his Blades of Chaos to cause severe damage. He sliced the gum monster's thigh, but it kicked him in the gut. Rock took out a long dagger and pierced the beast's head. The beast tried to reach him, but couldn't. Finally, Roll jumped up kicked the monster in the eye. By this point Kratos had gotten up and used the chains on his blades to wrap around the creature's legs, making it fall over. However, it countered with lash of its tongue, the monster swallowed the three whole. The Ice King thought he had won. Until the Blades of Chaos burst out of the beast's belly, releasing the three and killing the creature.

But the gum beast wasn't down yet. It took another form, this one shaped like a giant squid. It wrapped its tentacles around the trio and squeezed them. It laughed as they tried to escape. Finally, Kratos had had enough. With one powerful bite, he bled the creature, making it the trio go. Then he sliced the gum monster into tiny pieces.

Again, it took on another form. This one resembled a giant female ogre beast. It grabbed the trio, but focused its eyes on one prisoner in its left fist: Rock.

"Come here, sexy," it giggled in a distorted voice. Rock screamed as he tried to squirm his way out, but it was no good. The monster gave him a wet, slobbery kiss, sticking its tongue down his throat and into his stomach. He couldn't breath!

"Long lasting flavor," commented the Ice King.

Suddenly, the gum monster squealed as it was decapitated by Kratos. Its tongue slid out of Rock's mouth and he coughed violently before getting up. "A.B.C.," he muttered. "Not my favorite flavor." He watched as Kratos walked over to the Ice King and fought over the Golden Penguin.

"You seem to have defeated me, Spartan," chuckled the Ice King. "Well, guess again!"

Using a laser beam, he had the trio on their knees, sapping their strength.

"Full power!" he laughed.

One chance...Rock took his knife and threw it at the wizard. It knocked him backwards, sending his laser beam scattering. One unfortunate blast stuck Roll in the heart. Rock looked on in horror, before turning his anger-filled attention to the Ice King who was backing away in fear.

"Now, now," he said to the young man. "Let's be reasonable." But Rock was hearing none of it. In one fell swoop, he punched the Ice King square in the face, knocking him down. He never stopped punching his face until Kratos grabbed his arm.

"He's dead," he said to Rock.

Rock looked down. The Ice King's face had caved in. It was than that the young man realized he killed someone in cold blood, when he was the one who caused his sister to die. 'What have I done?' he thought as tears ran down his cheek. He choked out sobs as Kratos looked over at Roll's corpse. Wait, did it just twitch? He walked over to the corpse and got a shock when it looked up at him.

"Hiya, honey!" Roll laughed. Her appearance was different now. Her skin was blue and her hair was white and her clothes were a dark shade of blue. "What's wrong? Don't you want me no more?" Roll laughed like a witch as she flew out the window and into the sky. Rock had seen everything. The door opened and Saria came in.

"Kratos! The Ice King's back! He-" She stopped when she saw the scene and the corpse of the gum monster. "Uh, what flavor gum is that?"

Back at Gannondorf's lair, the Baron of Thieves was sleeping at his dinner table when he heard a loud thud. "I'll gut you!" Then he realized what was in front of him: the Ghost of Sparta. "Oh, hello, Kratos." The seven elite were with him, either red faced in embarrassment (for obvious reasons) or black and blue faced from severe beatings (again for obvious reasons).

Kratos grabbed his throat. "The medicine. Now!"

"Of course," said Gannondorf. "You were good at remembering." He handed him the medicine, which turned out to be a form of laxatives.

Kratos groaned as the parasite squealed, "By the gods! It's not doing anything."

"Yes," said Gannondorf, clutching the Golden Penguin. "The alchemist did mention it would take about several seasons for it to take affect. Nevertheless, I loaded the rest of your prescription on that cart of yours. Free of charge of course." He pointed to a horse's cart carrying boxes of many laxative bottles. "Well, I'll be going now!" Before Kratos could grab him, Gannondorf pressed a button, resulting in a trap door opening, leading to his chance to escape. Kratos could only watch as the dark skinned man left, laughing at his face.

As Kratos prepared to leave with his medicine, he saw Rock preparing for his own quest. "I'm sorry for your sister, young one."

"Don't be," Rock replied. "It's my fault I lost her. But I'll get her back somehow. You'll see." He sighed as he repeated Kratos' words out loud. "Even in death, a wizard is not to be trusted." Kratos shook his head sadly as he left for the Hog's Head Tavern. The plumbers are going to have a field day with his condition for sure.

**And so, another adventure draws to a close in the epic saga of Kratos of Barbaria!**


End file.
